When Life Doesn’t Make Sense

I read a quote recently that really resonated with me. “I want to be a woman of God who trusts that God has a plan even when I don’t understand”. I instantly made it the home screen of my phone and read it about thirty times a day. This is where I am at these days. Life has been hard, it doesn’t seem to make much sense, I feel really out of control, and in the midst of it I am trying to cling to God like never before.

One of my bestest friends Danae that I told you guys about who had breast cancer last year has cancer again (post here), this time stage four and her body is ridden with it. Life seemed to take an immediate pause with the news and it felt like nothing else mattered. It’s crazy how when things happen like this life takes a whole new perspective, and stuff that seemed like such a big deal ten minutes prior now felt so trivial.

I am a do-er, especially when something devastating happens, I slip into this weird mode of I just want to do something, and if I can’t, I feel stuck, I literally loose my mind and can’t handle it. I knew they needed help, Danae has three kids, and I knew Danae needed me. Tomas and I moved in and since then have been living with them trying to help in anyway. In a moments time everything has changed.

It has been really important to Danae to keep the kids schedules going as normal as possible. This is where I came in, I knew I could help with this and try to keep as much stability as possible in the midst of chaos. I love those kids with everything in me and seeing them continue to do well in spite of everything has been my everything. They are so strong…

Danae and her husband Loren, continue to stay positive and are beyond amazing in how they handle difficult situations. They are an amazing team and are fighters. Cancer decided to mess with the wrong couple! Loren is also a Doctor and he is working hard to research the best treatments, most of which are overseas, getting Danae the best care.

How am I? Really good and really horrible, all at the same time. I struggle watching my friend fight for her life. I struggle with trying to remain strong and positive for the kids all the time. I also get my strength from watching Danae fight like the warrior that I know she is, and her continued smiles and love are everything, she has not for a second become a victim. I also get my strength from watching the kids and Loren be so resilient as they fight for positivity and strength. I have a new appreciation for life and it has become really clear to me what matters over these last few weeks. I am trying to embrace the unknown and live without a plan to the best of my ability clinging to God in the process, this is a scary place for me.

Busy and overwhelmed have taken new levels but I wouldn’t have it any other way. God has made it really clear my place in all this and I am trying to live my life as submitted as possible. I am not going to lie to you guys, I have some really weak moments. At times I feel like I am on the craziest emotional roller coaster and with everything in me I want to jump off. At the same time the ride is showing me so much about myself, life, and sacrificial love, that it doesn’t seem worth it to jump off even though it is so uncomfortable.  Everyday has a set of new challenges but also gets a little easier.

Landen, one of the little girls, gave me a card the other day and in it it said “Life doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful”, she had no idea how much that little card would mean to me. I carry it everywhere with me and I know it was a direct message from God telling me everything was going to be ok.

God has made it really evident to me that I wasn’t created to live the best perfect life for myself. Life is messy and sometimes it royally sucks but the way He moves in the situations is like nothing I have experienced before.

My mission has not changed, Balance Culture is moving forward like never before. My team has stepped up in ways that leave me consistently in awe. I am working hard to balance work/kid life and failing miserably but grace is very real and things continue to move forward despite my failures. My humanness is more evident than ever, which is borderline freeing I’m not gunna lie.

I am so thankful to my friends and family and all their love and support, I couldn’t imagine this season without them. Being honest enough to admit I need people is where I am at these days and I am learning to embrace that.

Thank you all for your prayers for Danae and her family, we are still believing for a miracle everyday!