I have gone back and forth about whether to write this post. I wish vulnerability was one of those things that the more you did it, the easier it is to do, I feel like with vulnerability it is the opposite. You feel like you already have exposed yourself so to expose more is even scarier. I have found it really helpful to me when people can relate to me or when something I said effects them personally, so it is always worth it, but still just as scary.
If you have noticed I have been pretty quiet on here. Outside of a recipe post here and there and a couple vlogs, I have had a hard time being interested in blogging and sharing. I think it is because I knew I had to write this post so I just decided to avoid the whole thing together #healthy (OK not so much ;) ).
Things were hard after Danae died, harder than I thought. I have always been one to bounce right back into the swing of things no matter what I was going through. I have incredibly thick skin (to a fault sometimes) and no matter what is going on I can usually plow through to the other side and almost forget it ever happened. I am a totally dude when it comes to my brain and can easily compartmentalize. So I kinda figured when Tomas and I moved out of the Nation’s house that’s what was going to happen. I didn’t want to forget Danae, but I did want to forget the pain.
Well, not so much,… now that I wasn’t so focused on her kids and their loss, I started to think about mine. I fell into a slump a bit and had a hard time enjoying things in the same way I did before. For the two weeks after moving back I struggled. I gave myself those two weeks until her memorial service to live in that slump and then promised myself after the service I would give more effort to getting out. I still worked, and probably still seemed normal to most of you (those I run into) but inside I was really hurting. I looked forward to getting home everyday and just being with Tomas, I had no desire to do anything else.
The two weeks came to an end, the memorial service happened, and the forcing myself began. I made myself go and be around people even though it felt uncomfortable, I got back into the workouts that I loved, started cooking again, started listening to my podcasts, and getting back to the things that gave me life. I also had a friend hold me accountable to not back out of things I committed to for the added support. It felt forced and uncomfortable but really necessary.
I started to develop new fresh vision again for Balance Culture and get into my groove. I took a room of my house and each night when I got home from the studio organize/clean/decluttered/redecorated it which made me feel really good, #OCD. It gave me something to do when I got home from work instead of sitting and waiting for Tomas. I seriously highly recommend it and attribute a lot of my “Get Kirstin Out of Her Slump” project to it.
A couple of weeks after the memorial service was Danae’s birthday. The night before, I had a really hard time with it. A reminder went off on my phone “Danae’s Birthday” and for a split second I thought “shoot I forgot her present” and then reality hit and it was like it happened all over again. I cried a lot that night and Tomas just held me. It was hard but the actual day of went OK. I thought I was going to be a wreck but I pushed myself to do the things I needed to that day and ended up having a really great day, I still missed her like crazy though.
As the weeks pass the pain doesn’t feel as intense but I am not going to lie I think about Danae easily 100 times a day. She is constantly on my heart and I just want her back. Initially when she passed away I was relieved because she wasn’t in pain, I don’t know if I can say that anymore. I really wish I had more time, I wish we could have just a few more conversations, it’s so selfish but so raw and true. I just want her back.
I wrote this post to share how I have been grieving and how I am getting through it. It is different for everyone and there is definitely not one right way. I am still taking it a day a time, but it is still hard. If you are going through something I do want you to know you are not alone and I am so sorry and unfortunately know your pain… A lot of times it is just fighting your way to your new normal to the best of your ability and that’s all you can do…
Love you guys