Current Struggles…

So, this week I was suppose to write about my blogging tips and I actually did write them, but I’m not sharing them… it was half a***** and felt like I was just checking another thing off my list and I never want this to be that. For me, blogging is supposed to be a fun side outlet, but do you ever go through seasons of your life where you are just going through the motions? Going from one thing to the next only being half there? Robotic almost? Well I am/was there.

In the last month, the lists have piled up, the anxiety has crept in, and priorities have shifted. Have you ever been in seasons where everything seems so great, but something feels off? I literally feel like I am going crazy because how could everything NOT feel wonderful all the time? My life is great, dreams are coming true, and everything I have worked for is paying off. Well, burnout is real my friends and I am there.

At first, when I started all of this, I thought it would be difficult to share about my past and the things I had struggled with. Parents divorce, anorexia, anxiety and perfectionism all seemed to top the charts as difficult things to share. Turns out it’s not, in fact, writing about present struggles is a 1,000 times harder because you are not far removed from them, they are here, it is now and it just sucks to be vulnerable sometimes, but it is necessary to be human. I am learning this. I hope.

I shared about a month ago about how I was on the verge with all this burnout stuff and that I was going to be implementing some new things into my life to help balance it out and avoid all of this. Insert *face palm*. Well, I failed miserably and here I am. When did everything become about lists, why am I tired all the time, and where is this “off feeling” coming from? I can’t run from it, it is here and ever so present.

My priorities are off and I know it. You ever know what you’re supposed to do and for some reason you just CAN’T do it, like it’s literally screaming at you and you do everything else, but what you know will fix it? Am I crazy in this? It’s the most bizarre thing that I can’t shake it and almost ridiculous to articulate.

God has been the forerunner of all of this Balance Culture stuff. He gave me the ideas, He opened the doors, He helped me conquer fears and at some point in a very nonchalant way, I took it from Him and put it on myself. How could I have not noticed this? As a psych major and counseling graduate student they freaking train you to be self-aware. It slid in and I didn’t even notice until I felt “off”. In a crazy way, I just know that the studio and nutrition practice are just the beginning. I am already ready in my heart for what is next, but my brain and body are tired. The thought of getting everything and loosing it all to burnout seems and feels devastating. It’s not worth it and change must happen. God has done too much and I have come too far to loose it all…

What burnout looks like for me…. anxiety takes over big time. I start feeling all of the pressure and become an anxious mess trying to gain control of it all. Patience goes out the window and frustration takes its place. I freaking love people, but when I am drained and have nothing to give, they become a source of “taking” and I leave feeling emptier and drained. This is not me or my personality, but it becomes me when I am burned out. I start to fake it. I start to fake joy and happiness because who wants to be around a Debbie Downer, I don’t even want to be around her, so I apply the masks of happiness and fun one by one and hope they stick, but they usually don’t. I am a really bad faker. I am writing today telling you I am on the verge of all of this, I am not quite there yet, but I can feel myself slipping in that direction…

So what am I going to do… I just can’t just think, I need to act!

Rest day- You guys, I cannot remember the last time I REALLY took a day off. I am ALWAYS working because I love it, but I think it will be the end of me, if I don’t start resting. I need to be taking at least one day a week and just having fun, be adventurous, meeting people and completely unplugging.

Investing in myself- Personal growth seems to have gone out the window. I am meeting with so many people and pouring out all the time (which is literally my fave thing ever), but doing very little to fill myself back up. Time with God needs to be a priority again. I have pushed it to the side and I am feeling the repercussions -this is hard to admit. My greatest weakness is self-reliance. I get in modes where I feel like I can/should be able to do it all on my own. I have gone around this mountain a bajillion times and failed more then a bajillion times. This will always be my struggle and it needs to be given more attention. More to God= less on me. I am a better me when it is like this and have SOO much more to offer.

Living in the moment- I think in business you are constantly thinking futuristically about what needs to get done, what will it look like, how can I prepare in advance for this, this, and this; that you can just loose touch with the present. There are so many moments now that are worth being present for… I will only live this season once and I don’t want to feel like I half-a***** it because I couldn’t give it what it was do.

Letting go- I try to juggle all the time and I actually feel pride in successfully juggling a ton of different things all at once without even blinking an eye. I get this weird empowered feeling that makes me feel like I can conquer the world, until I can’t. I might be able to do it successfully for a season (like three or four months) especially when God gives me the grace, but I think that grace has been removed and my juggling act now looks like a fumbling mess. Putting things to the side is difficult especially when you love everything your doing, but necessary to do at least some things successfully. There is only one of me and I need to remember that.

Like yourselves I am a process. I think the perfectionist in me just wants to have everything great and feel like I have arrived. I think I just need to accept that this is not the case and that there is beauty in being a mess and figuring it out along the way. If everything was great and I had it all together, where is the room for God? Where is the reliance on Him? There wouldn’t be and I know myself and it just wouldn’t happen. When I am broken and struggling I cling to Him and it puts me in check. I get refocused, things make sense again and I am fulfilling my purpose, clinging to Him.

I try to make my blogs fun and light because that’s just me as a person 95% of the time and you can really see that through my writing. But, I am here to tell you that I am human and sometimes it is just not like that and life is hard because I make it hard. If you are in a similar place, feel free to join me on my journey to avoiding future burnout. My best friend is going to be my accountability partner (she just doesn’t know it yet, but hey Christina, it’s going down 😉 ) and I’ll fill you guys in on the changes that will occur in my life because of it in the next few weeks! Cheers to imperfection, failures, fresh starts, and freedom my friends!